Hi! My name is Debra and I came across Alt-Ed on Instagram. I saw a post that wanted writers for their site. I thought how great would it be to have an impact on people around the world with my story. I needed to be apart of a movement that would inspire others to thrive and not just survive their mental illness. Here is the beginning of story and I will be writing how I came to thrive after navigating my mental illness.
In 2003, during the summer while my little dog Bakira looked on, I laid pictures of my parents, friends and my old boyfriend on the carpet around me. I opened a bottle of medicine I had saved and decided to commit suicide. As soon as all those pills were gone, I regretted my choice. Even though it was too late, I managed to call a friend and an ambulance and the fire department came into my home.
I wasn’t sure how long it took, but I remember feeling sleepy. I cried and looked at my Bakira and realized how much I was going to miss her. I remember her barking and sitting beside me protecting me and I said to myself “she does love me.” And after that I was in the hospital. It was a blurry experience and I don’t really remember much. I had some friends come see me and my parents arrived later on. I remember the look on my mother’s face and all I said I was “sorry.” I just kept saying I was sorry. It was the lowest point in my life.
While I was seen at the hospital, their resident psychiatrist paid a visit. They advised me to go into treatment and see about getting a diagnosis because making a suicide attempt was cause for alarm. I was very willing as I just wanted to find out what was wrong with me. I wanted to know why I hated myself so much. The moment I signed in to treatment I was relieved. And little did I know this would be the hardest and scariest undertaking of my life.
Although I was scared I to dive into myself and uncover all of what was making me so sad, I wanted to be happy more than anything. I was willing to do whatever it took to get me there. I was willing to get to where I needed to be, so I could look myself in the face without cringing. I wanted to be brave so I could face the world.
And so began my journey of self healing with the jumpstart of a two week intensive treatment initially, two therapists, tons of books on motivation and reading others personal accounts of depression and BPD, introspection, you-tube videos and tons of crying and mistakes and slip ups between 2003- present.
My story isn’t special by no means, but it is my story and I want you to know that you can pull yourself out of that deep, dark and lonely cavern of self hate. It’s possible to come out on the other side and be able to feel free. It isn’t easy and I don’t think life is meant to be easy. I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t believe I ever will. However, I am certain that I am able to navigate my life in a healthy way and on my own terms. And I know you can too.
Hopefully, you will find some strength in my words from now on. I wish there had been something like this while I was suffering, but I am glad that I can be apart of this to help anyway I can. Anyway, I would like to hear from you when you have the time. I am always available to correspond. I wish you well today.
Written by Debra (follow on instagram @heybuddha_babe)
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