Mental Health Stories

Mental Illness Is Not A Choice

It's time we spoke depression, suicide and the lingering feeling of an impending death.

We all have those days where we are ready to go and the only reason we don’t is that the chemist is closed to get us the script we need to drift off to sleep. And the last thing we want is to cause ourselves any more pain by doing it in another way. So we rack our brains of the potential ways we can do it and the reasons we have to stay alive. 

Nothing matters except the only thing we want. So we squirm and weigh up our options, we cry and try to comfort ourselves but nothing sounds more appealing than not being here anymore.

Sometimes it’s a build up over time, depression or that one last comment from a family member to send you over the edge. Maybe it’s a combination of everything.

I’ve been wondering for years why I have to live this life. Why it’s so hard all the time. All it takes is a few people to tell you that you choose this life knowing in your heart you really don’t. To make you question why you even try at all?

I must be as useless as they say I am because I don’t even have the courage to take my own life.

Think before you speak. To them, I have either chosen this life or chosen to take my life. But there has never been a choice for me.

An ultimatum in my life and the uneducated opinions of those closest to me I can’t escape I can’t make my life liveable so why wouldn’t I want to die? I wake up every day with a single goal and I fail miserably every time.

I try with all my might to survive and I live an existence nobody wants to live. And nothing makes me want to give up more than being abandoned by the ones I love.

It’s your fault they say, its all your fault. You could be like us they preach if you just tried. Belittling everything I do every day just to function in the hopeless way I do.

There is nothing more heartbreaking to hear that people around you believing you have destroyed yourself when you’re working so hard not too. It’s betrayal of the highest order.

“Suicide is always lingering in on my mind and it’s not just the depression or borderline triggers that make me think of it”. 

I contemplate it every day of my life because I am constantly running for my life and getting nowhere or at such a slow pace the people around me have run out of time for me.

I watch everyone around me scoff and look at me with disgust and accusations.

All I want is love and understanding but the worst type of betrayal is knowing the facts of my situation and twisting them to prove their aggressive point that they still don’t care because I am choosing to live like this.

So why on earth would I choose to live?

What child has a lifelong dream to die? What person’s greatest hope is to find the courage to take their own life?

You can judge me and spin a load of reasons I have to stay alive but trust me. I’m well aware.

Don’t be naive enough to ignore the overwhelming reasons I have to not. For now, I am here.

Only because I can’t afford to fulfill a script I need to stop my heart from beating. Don’t mourn my loss. Please be happy for me if the day ever comes. Because its all I’ve ever wanted. An obsession I desire to fulfill one day.

This life has been unlivable for years and there really is no way out from everything. I suffer and it’s not just my illness. I can’t afford to live so I starve at times; I am forced to rely on unhealthy people who don’t help me find the will to live. I can’t work because I am so sick and without money.

You can’t even begin to live a life that seems even so remotely humane. I am a simply non-materialistic person but I am sick of struggling in every aspect of my life.

The worst part is everyone likes to remind me it’s my own fault and it’s so far from the truth and it breaks what is left of my heart.

I don’t fear death as I try to dry my eyes. I fear living like this for the rest of my life.

Written by @the_bipolar_barbie


Liked this? Take a look at these:

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Masculinity, Vulnerability and Mental Health

Depression: One Man, One Stigma

The Enemy I Fight Everyday

[Social] Anxiety, Depression and Self-Harm: My Mental Health Story


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