It’s taking a lot for me to write this. It’s terrifying. So many people who know me know nothing about this. Some do. Some have supported me and some have left when I needed them most. This is for everyone who has supported me. And it’s also for me.
I think I finally want this.
My eating disorder and depression have been a huge part of my life for years now. It’s been hell, especially for those around me who’ve had to watch me do this to myself.
You might look at me and think she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder – she’s not skin and bones. But I do. I still struggle to say the words out loud. I prefer to refer to it as ‘all this shit’ because the truth is too hard. But I’ve recently learnt that if I don’t accept it I can’t change it.
It’s been hard to accept it – how can I be ill. I’ve never been skinny enough – in fact, some people are just naturally thinner than me. How can I be ill then? It’s time to change this perception.
I now know I am ill – my hair falls out, I have panic attacks at unplanned food, I’m always cold, I’ve been hospitalised and only a few months ago was nearly sectioned. Countless blood tests and ECG’s have proved the damage done as a result of my eating disorder. Yet no matter how much weight I lose its never enough. And it’s killing me.
I haven’t started treatment yet – but I will do soon. This is my journey – it’s for me. To help me cope with and rationalise my frequent irrational thoughts – the voice of my eating disorder. It’s for anyone out there who doesn’t think they are ill enough for treatment. It’s for everyone starting recovery or in recovery. Maybe some of you will be inspired to get help yourselves.
This is for everyone – An education. Eating disorders are mental illnesses, with physical side effects. Eating disorders are deadly regardless of your weight. My body is so damaged from years of abuse, yet it is my mind that is the biggest threat.
I hope you’ll support me – this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Asking for help and accepting this illness is just the start. But hopefully, it’s the start of the end.
It’s time to change perceptions.
It’s time to heal.
I’m terrified but it’s time.
Written by Scratchingthesurface (more posts on the website if you are interested in learning more).