What can I say about my mental health journey, its more like what can’t I say? So much to say, I’d like to think I am ok now, my true authentic self is finally here and every day I show up to the world as the “Real Rebecca Nicholls” its liberating.
It’s been ugly its been lonely, self loathing, desperate, frustrating, and general clouds of darkness.
I didn’t have much choice, the situation I was born into was a pre-existing condition. My mother had suffered from mental health issues long before I was born. There is a great deal of mystery to my mothers life and childhood, she refuses to talk about it.
Even with me, I don’t know why but I think its maybe to do with shame, and guilt, or fear of being judged. I believe it will help her just like me, and It saddens me that I can’t help her. I have tried but the kind of work I do isn’t really mainstream, but more awareness is coming and I believe things are improving because more women are using their voice.
I believe my mum was abused when she was younger, physically, sexually and this has effected her. When I left home the first time at around 14, I went to stay with family members, this is where I was groomed by an older relative. This left my traumatised for many years, I believe my mum experienced the same.
I want to desperately help her, really I do. This is particularly frustrating for me because I am a Life coach and a Reiki Master, my main objective is to help women through my coaching programs find themselves and heal themselves from the trauma they have suffered. For many years I couldn’t talk about what happened to me out of fear, but it’s something I am happy to discuss today because more women need to be free.
I honestly believe all mental health issues occur when we feel the desire or need to be anywhere else than present to our lives. The need to escape our reality, or when we aren’t accepting our reality.
I was born into depression, it became me. That, alongside anxiety, it was some kind of a miracle that I even really got to 34 years.
This was a big year for me because this was the year I became really conscious of myself after having my third eye open whilst moon gazing. I later went on to see two shooting stars a couple weeks later then I became an overnight millionaire when I won the lottery on boxing day 2014. I know everyone thinks money will make you happy and yes it did for a bit, but then I needed more, I needed purpose so I pursued a career as a coach and practitioner because really and truly thats what this life is about, purpose.
Most of the women who come onto my programs and of course myself at one point all have something in common. They lack passion and purpose in their lives, but they also lack self love. I spent many years in self loathing, too many years in fact, I was constantly obsessing on how I looked, what I wore, how I sounded and often compared myself to other women. It was kinda soul destroying and it lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive drinking and drug and sex addictions. It is at an all time high, combine that with the obsession with my body (especially after having my son) it was crazy!
I am so happy I am not that woman and I will do whatever I can do raise awareness so that more women can be free. My mental health issues didn’t just arise from my Mum’s mental health issues although it was a main factor, it was in my DNA. I also left home young at the age of 16 and got caught up into a world of prostitution, crime and drugs. I then spent a huge chunk of my twenties just partying mostly just trying to escape the reality of my life.
This trap can go on for years, its like a train going to nowhere. Part of me is grateful for the journey and part of me thinks “Why the fuck didn’t I just get off?” Truth is I was having fun. I guess that’s what twenties are for but my life was definitely out of balance. Which it is for many of us, so you are not alone, just human.
The biggest challenge I still have, not so much myself but definitely the women I work with is that they feel that their story isn’t worth sharing, or that if it isn’t valid enough or and this isn’t a big one, we shouldn’t really talk about our mental health or GOD FORBID share it with the world.
As you can tell I don’t really care anymore, life became much more magical for me when I decided to just say “Fuck it” like what’s the worse that can happen. Truth be told no matter what you do in this life, you will be ultimately judged. Sorry about that, unfortunately the Egoic mind ( Your EGO ) loves to be right, loves to judge, seeks validation and loves to compete.
Once we can all get to a state of mind where we only seek to “BE” the beautiful BEINGS we were sent here to be, we will forever be searching like Alice down the hole trying to figure out which path to go.
Life isn’t as complex as we make it out to be. Once we lose the idea that more stuff or more attention will make us happy we actually find happiness within ourselves, its a beautiful never ending story of content, peace, and harmony. I think we can all live longer, more fulfilled lives when we truly go within.
A journey I feel we should all take but seldom do, some even leave this earth prematurely because of the need to the human “doings”, showing up authentically everyday, focusing on what we can do, appreciating what we have, and heaps of gratitude can change your world.
I think as humans we have strong desires to want more. The desire to improve our life situation is important but it should never be the main objective, we really aren’t content as we should be. The need to compare and compete with fellow humans has us in a frenzy!
The rise of the Divine Feminine energy has sparked a rise in the word Feminist, and its use across all media.
I am a Feminists. Yes we should all be Feminists because for without the women there are no men. I am proud to advocate for Mental Health in women and to break the stigma around mental health issues in general.
I get women contacting me afraid, scared, lonely and fearful of being judged. I know how that feels because plenty of times I have been judged based on my mental health. We need more of us fighting for each other and loving each other and this is why I love the work I do. I believe the world is changing for the better and I am so proud to be a part of that change.
None of us are to simply here to just pay bills and die! We are here to explore and be adventurous and seek out the pleasures in life. We are here to enjoy ourselves, become childlike if you need to. This is how I found myself again, as a young girl I loved to write. Go back to the human being you were before the world told you who to be, I think this may be the only way to truly emancipate yourself.
All the Love
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